My whole first pregnancy was pure bliss for me even when my head was in the toilet. It was everything I had prayed for. I loved being pregnant. I could only imagine what it would be like to hold my precious baby for the first time and feel that unconditional love. Even during my labor, I was trying to enjoy and hold onto every last minute I had with him inside me. Only to find out as soon as they laid him on my chest I knew something was wrong. I felt nothing. Zero. No connection. Not a thing. My whole hospital stay was miserable…. All I kept thinking about was wanting to go home and pretend I didn’t just have a baby. Harsh I know. But that is why I’m here writing about it because I know the loneliness and shame that comes with that and if you have or currently are experiencing this I’m here to tell you, you are not alone. If you are reading this and thinking that it would never happen to you... I thought the exact same thing. Be on guard momma. Start praying.
It’s a heavy feeling that just hangs over you. I would take showers to scream and cry so my husband wouldn’t hear me because I just didn’t know what was going on… I never thought this would happen to me.
One evening it had gotten really bad and I finally decided to open up to my husband and I remember so vividly sharing with him how I felt like our son wasn’t actually my baby, but that I was babysitting and just waiting for his parents to come pick him up. My husband is a counselor and helped guide me along the way… God used him greatly in my life during that time. It crushes me now to know I had once felt that way. Thankfully I serve such a gracious father that took this away from me one night when my mom prayed over me.
For months I have felt led to share this, but been very hesitant because I know how tough it is and how it’s even more tough to share with others. Postpartum depression is real though. It needs to be brought to light and talked about. Ever since I have experienced this I have heard so many stories just like mine, but why did I never hear of it before? I felt so alone at the time, it felt so dark and like I couldn’t breathe. I know the feeling of wanting to bottle it up and hide it because of the shame, but there is so much freedom in sharing and being vulnerable with ones you know that you can trust. Talk about it. Seek out advice and help. Know you are not alone. Pray and pray some more. It’s hard enough with all the hormones after giving birth and then having to go through this as well, so you shouldn’t be fighting it alone.
I remember every little thing that came with the PPD such as loss of appetite, avoiding friends/family, crying (more like sobbing) all the time, frustration, wanting to lay in bed all day and not spend time with my baby. I just couldn't seem to shake it, and I could feel as each day went by the clouds kept getting thicker and thicker. There were definitely times I thought our baby and my husband would be better off without me. It’s not easy to lay this all out on the table, but through the Lord I’m finally at a place where I know I can share this and not feel the guilt, and I want you to be there too.
I do believe there are steps that need to be taken to move forward… here are some of the steps that have helped and encourage me. First is realizing what you are actually experiencing and realizing it is real and don’t let anyone try to minimize what you are going through or that it’s all in your head. Second is find someone to talk (you can trust) to whether it’s your spouse, a friend, family member, or counselor…. I highly recommend talking to a counselor if you are dealing with depression… SEEK HELP. Third is having faith that the Lord will take this away from you and really believing in that… Where are you putting your hope and faith? Romans 15:13 speaks on that God is hope and He is OUR hope and that through Him we can be filled with joy and peace.
My encouragement for you is that these thoughts and feelings you are having are not from the Lord… “every good and perfect gift is from above” James 1:17 Remember that. Remember as believers that we have the authority to call Satan out and put him in his place and I mean be outspoken about it, let him know about the God you serve. Pray.. pray hard. The Lord knows your pain He sees it.. He sees you. Lay this down at His feet if it’s with tears rolling down your face, if it’s with a friend holding your hand or praying over you, but do it with faith knowing He will vanish this. Mom you are not alone… as moms we are on a battlefield fighting hard. Satan knows what motherhood does to us. He knows how we beat ourselves up over the way we handle situations and how much it hurts us, but so does God. God Created you for this momma… what a gift it is to be a mom. As moms lets walk hand in hand in the victory that Jesus has already won for us.
A verse I use often to fight off anything I know is not from the Lord is Philippians 4:8 “Finally brothers, what ever is true, what ever is noble, what ever is right, what ever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think about such things”
Update
For those wondering how I was doing days/weeks after I started to overcome this I thought I would leave a little update for you all. I still had days that were hard and certain things/situations that would trigger it or have little episodes again, but not to full extent that it once was and I had to give it my all to fight it off, but I saw that light and I just wanted to keep running to it. I really had to remind myself every morning that God has called me to this and that the enemy will not have this over me… I still do to this day. If I’m honest with you all I still struggle with this on some days. I’ve never had a depressed thought cross my mind until I had a child, but my God is bigger than those thoughts. I’m currently pregnant again right now and I’m already praying about the postpartum after having the baby. Am I worried? Some days yes, but I know God’s hand is over me and He is so faithful that this struggle has nothing on the power of God and my hope comes from Him. Remember Romans 15:13! I'm so thankful for the relationship I now have with my son and how God has been using him in my life. He's my best bud.
With love from one mother to another